I used to think the end goal from my pit of self-hatred was self-acceptance. Now I know that self-acceptance is only the beginning! My yoga practice, therapy and self-reflection have helped me to move from self-acceptance into the celebration of my strengths. I’ve found the ability to love my Self and am grateful for this gift everyday!

On Friday I had an Ayurveda consultation through a teacher training guest instructor. It was really refreshing to look at my accomplishments in a different way. It gave me a different perspective of my eating disorder and my recovery process. Nothing life altering, just a validation of who I am and what my strengths are.

The last two years have been an exploration into parts of myself that I used to think were weak. Last year in Costa Rica my solar plexus busted open and I recognized that the part of myself I used to think was weakest was actually one of my greatest strengths. Once I moved beyond my desire to be something I’m not I recognized my capacity for self honour and self worth. 3rd chakra. FIRE. I’ve got a lot of fire qualities; desire, drive, ability to express myself and put forth my opinion. The part of me that people most often admire these days is my authenticity and ability to always be my Self. On Friday I was given ideas of how to re-ignite my fire, seeing as I was suffocating it for so long when I was ill. It`s going strong now but I am happy for ideas of how to keep fueling it.

Then, this past December I started to explore another part of my Self I had suppressed and ignored. My second chakra. WATER. I started to explore what it meant to be feminine. I started to ask questions of myself about my sexuality. I realized quickly that this was not an area of weakness at all. I am woman! My sexuality is fierce. I think this part of me scared me in the past because I wasn`t ready for her. My goddess nature is actually one of my strongest qualities.

Fire and water, being pitta dominant these are my stronger elements. Some earth added in as well. I had been driving my energy up for the past 10 years but have started to recognize the strengths I possess in my lower body as well. No longer trying to be something I’m not, I can honestly celebrate my newly remembered strengths. This has made me more authentic, happier in my life and better at helping people in my job. I have a grounding effect on people. I always have. This, in combination with my heart strengths and empathy skills, is what makes me good at my job. The difference now is that I can finally apply these qualities and strengths to taking care of myself in addition to taking care of others.

It`s taken me a long time to get here, self-love and celebration of my strengths. My lesser self still taunts me from time to time and I still have areas of vulnerability to work with. But, I get to work on them with my strengths. I get to view them as teachers. I get to celebrate my sorrows and insecurities as a part of living a full life, tasting all the flavours. But, I also get to celebrate my strengths and glory, and that is a beautiful way to live!

Namaste!

While in yesterday’s practice we celebrated the male code in each of us, today was about embracing the feminine qualities in us. This is what I’ve been working on for the last few months. When the teacher said “bring it” I was ready to bring it!

While yesterday was about igniting fire, today was about listening to the water in me as well. Celebrating our creative energies. In mythology, the heroine of the story is often the one who identifies the true conflict at stake. She knows which internal resources to call on. She knows which part of herself to bring forth. She engages in all of life, knowing that the world is full of many flavours, of many energies. Knowing that each of us has many sides which all work together in unity. While the heroine is the one to identify conflict, it is often the goddess in the stories who transcends conflict or resolves it. This is all feminine! Change, peace, creativity, generation.

Today we did arm balances…hard ones, and it took tapping into my femininity to call forth the parts of me needed to bring it! Strength, flexibility, ferocity, ability to navigate conflict, balance. So much fun! It also took humour and compassion for the things that didn’t work out so well. It took being able to look at my attempts as perfect successes! Imperfections as perfect. This energy prevented my perfectionistic tendencies from kicking in. This energy protected me from that old cycle of unworthiness when I didn’t succeed. A motherly quality which mixed with that masculine drive from yesterday allowed me to keep pushing and trying harder and improving while celebrating my successes at the same time!

This was a really fun exploration of my feminine side. It was playful, yet fierce. Not necessarily sensual, deep and liquid. A beautiful look at a different part of my femininity than I’ve been tapping into. A perfect balance from yesterday.

Thanks again to great teachers who make this continual process of learning such an adventure!

Namaste

The Creator

King of Fire! What an appropriate card to pull for tonight!

Osho says “Drop the idea of becoming someone, because you already are a masterpiece. You cannot be improved. You have only to come to it, to know it, to realize it.”

Fire. Creation. Balance. Drive. Understanding. Integration.

My practice today helped me to feel this. To live this theme. To feel my core, my Self. To drop all that stands in the way and fully BE me. Perfection.

I have spent a lot of time lately tapping into my feminine side and goddess qualities. Today’s 3 hour practice was about embracing our masculine qualities. We all have both. We need to nurture both and find a balance.

Yoga from the inside out is the way I have been practicing lately, feminine, intuitive, tapping into my inner brightness. Today was about practicing from the outside in. Tapping into the drive for attainment. Looking at form and using it to reflect on my asanas. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my perfectionistic tendencies. They have gotten me into trouble in the past. They have driven me towards feeling unworthy and self-hatred. My journey towards worthiness involved embracing my inner perfection, listening from the inside out and expressing my authentic Self. I needed to tap into my feminine nature. At times, I was frustrated with my drive towards perfection, my drive towards competitiveness and my drive towards achievement. It was a beautiful process today to honour the masculine in each of us. It’s okay to feed that drive for achievement sometimes. The drive to improve and develop is an important part of me and this too needs to be nurtured. It’s okay to use an object (in this case the desired form of an asana pose) to reflect on ourselves and push for growth. BUT, there needs to be a balance. Both sides need to be nurtured, enabled and allowed to blossom.

The result of today? One badass practice. Focusing on drive, stability, steadfastness and structure allowed me to push my boundaries and get deeper into poses than I normally am able to do. Beautiful king pigeon. Kick ass vashistasana! I felt on fire. Krishna tells Arjuna in the Gita “stand up!” Damn straight. Ignite that fire! Push yourself.

But, the full, expanded end result of these poses could not have been possible without also tapping into my feminine code. Inner body bright, moving from the inside out allowed for authentic expression of my Self. At times, this prevented me from going too far into poses, but expressing myself beautifully in my full form of the pose. Feminine balances the masculine. Finding this balance allowed me to remain authentic while finding a fully expanded expression of each asana. I felt great! I felt strong, yet soft. There was a balance between effort and surrender. Engaged yet relaxed. Muscular energy vs. organic energy. Structure vs. opening to grace. My backbends were kickass tonight and I feel more energized than ever.

We all have both masculine and feminine codes within us. We need to learn to find peace with both. For me, it was an empowering experience to spend these 3 hours really honouring my masculine qualities. I don’t often do this anymore. We need to embrace the strengths that both qualities offer us. Finding balance here allows us to express ourselves authentically and in our full expansion of Self!

Thank you to my teachers for empowering such an eye opening, fire igniting experience!

Today I learned patience and space from my practice. Such important lessons to be reminded of. I feel like I learn them again and again. Working again with a shoulder injury has invited me to slow down, listen and not push myself into the pain. So today I learned self-compassion and patience with myself and my body. I am in awe of the connection between my mind and my body and the lessons my body has to teach me through injury.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure….There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

Marianne Williamson

I’ve spent the last few days down in South Carolina visiting my grandparents. 2 months ago my grandfather had a stroke while I was in Costa Rica. He’s doing well but is still not well enough to be home. I’ve spent 5 full days in the nursing home with him and have witnessed so much beauty and saddness in this stage of life.

Unconditional love.

That’s what I’ve witnessed and become so in awe of over the past 5 days. Unconditional love. Dedication. Committment. Companionship. Over and over again I am moved by the bond between my grandparents. Her dedication to him. His care and love for her. There is another couple in the nursing home who both live there now. They are both in wheel chairs and he kicks himself around while pushing her chair. The connection between them is feirce and you know it before you even hear them speak. Couples that have lived together, cried together and loved together for over 50 years. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to find that. If I’m the kind of person who is meant for that. My lesser self used to think I wasn’t deserving of that.

I’ve seen a lot of sorrow in these past 5 days as well. My grandfather struggling for his independence. Unable to do some of his basic daily tasks alone. Frustrated. Disappointed. It has always bothered me that the equiptment they give people in nursing homes looks like baby stuff. Sippy cups with two handles. Plastic everything. There’s got to be a way to do this with more dignity. He has to press a button and wait for somebody to help him to the bathroom. For a stubborn and independent person, this is agony. But he keeps on keeping on. For her. For us. Because of his faith. 

I look at other people in the home who aren’t as lucky. Others who don’t have a husband or a wife at their side. Who’s family doesn’t come to visit regularly. Who spend their day with only the nurses for company. Independence and dignity stripped away. I don’t want this. While I know I could endure it. I don’t want this. It’s appaulling the way we have extended life with modern medicine and not given any attention to the quality of this life.

This weekend has made me recognize my own lonliness. It creeps up from time to time. I find myself longing for somebody to share my Self with. I find myself hopeful for the day that I have another person to share ideas with, thoughts with, energy with. Part of me really does want somebody to grow old with. It looks lonely to do it alone. But, at the same time,  I am now comfortable and strong on my own. I enjoy my own company. I’m not suffering on my own, I’m excelling. I’m healthier and happier than ever. I enjoy silence. I don’tneedsomebody anymore. I just think it would be nice.  I love my Self. I love my body. I love who I am now. This makes me more ready to share my Self with another. I know the time will come.

Patience.

For now, it has been such a privilage to spend this time with my grandparents. I’m in awe of their devotion to each other. I’m in awe of my grandfather’s determination and will to fight for his dignity. I know they’re okay because they have each other.